When my son was 10 years old he said to me, “Mom, when I grow up I am going to have an apartment on the side of my house so that you can live close to my wife and me.”
Although I thought that was such a sweet and kind offer since we were extremely close, I responded, “Sweetie, I don’t expect us to live in the same house but it would be nice to live in the same city so that we could see each other often.”
Who would’ve thought that living in the same city that my adult child will not talk to me?
What is a person to do when the “center of their Universe” no longer includes you as a priority in their life?
Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
The very first thing we need to do is to take time to fully feel our genuine emotions alone. No two people experience the exact same emotions over the same event. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. Is it betrayal? Abandonment? Sadness? Anger? Whatever emotion you feel, let it flow through you to process it.
Put On Different Lenses
Whenever something we don’t want to happen comes to fruition in our life, it’s tempting to become attached to what we wish would happen. We can play the ‘what if’ game all we want however it can’t make the other person change into someone they are not.
Ask yourself, “What lesson am I to learn from this situation?” If we look hard enough, there is always a teaching moment in various experiences in our life.
When we resist is when we suffer. Resisting won’t bring us back what we lost. It only brings us more suffering. Accepting what is will free us from unnecessary suffering.
Face the Loss with a Sense of Curiosity
What will come to fill up this space? The Universe abhors a vacuum. If we are open to allowing good things to come into our lives, they will come. If we become attached to our very specific desires to be the only end result, then we stop other great possibilities and or opportunities in our life.
Opportunity for Growth vs. Victim Mode
It’s easy and natural for a person to go into ‘victim mode’. How about we look at this as an opportunity for growth? If we can start accepting what is (doesn’t mean we have to like it), then we can become a student of life and stop resisting. Then something will shift inside of us.
Can we embrace it for the teachings that accompany it? We may even be able to blossom into someone more of who we really are. The possibilities are endless.
Permission to Break our Hearts
What do most of us do? Close off our hearts. That’s human nature. People understand when we do that. But then what? We end up missing out on love.
Think about it. If every time we lost a pet or someone goes through a divorce, if we were to close off our hearts because of the pain, we would be missing out on so much more love from a future pet or a future spouse.
It may happen again as it did to me. In the beginning stages of feeling the loss of my son, I was a surrogate mother to two daughters for 13 years. Then I lost contact with my girls for 7 years. I was devastated! How could this happen all over again?
I would never regret those 13 beautiful years I had with them. I had opened my heart fully. I gave them permission to break my heart. I loved them unconditionally just as I had with my son.
“We have to give those we love permission to break our hearts.”
-Lissa Rankin
Letting go of someone we love so deeply can bring forth feelings of rejection, abandonment, insecurity, and unworthiness and surprisingly all come from our own childhood wounds.
These childhood traumas that we have worked so hard for so many years to bury and ignore, rise to the surface so that we can acknowledge them and learn to take the time to heal.
There have been many studies that show that emotions only last 90 seconds. It’s when we attach meaning to these emotions or create our own stories that cause us the agony.
It’s all about CHOICE. We can choose to suffer in these meanings we have attached to these emotions, the stories we create, or… we can choose to take the time to heal. Which do you choose?
Have you lost contact with someone close to you? Which one of these points listed above can you try to implement so that you can heal through the process? Please share your thoughts.
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It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Elda, thank you for sharing such a personal story, and for reaching out to everyone who needs the compassion and support of dealing with the loss of a loved one. I really admire how you approach these difficult feelings and provide direct guidance and advice for anyone in need. I think the same goes for a lost romantic relationship, and all the other intricate emotions we experience in our adult lives. You are so kind. Thank you.
Your comment truly means so much to me Laine! Thank you. After ‘tapping’ on it, I realized it was time to share my story in case it may be of service to others so that they may find a way to heal.
What a great mention of how this can apply to romantic relationships or any type of loss in our adult lives. You’re right, it could even apply to someone who has parted ways with a best friend who they considered to be family. The loss can be devastating.
Thanks so much for the visit here and your comment. I appreciate you very much!
You are such a wonderful model of how to navigate this tender ground with such compassion and strength and wisdom Elda.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Spring May Flowers
Oh Deborah…thank you so much for your kind words. People tend to run away from these sensitive topics and not want to address the feelings attached.
Many times, even people who are not involved would rather not hear about it. It’s almost like ‘if we don’t talk about it, then we don’t have to admit this is an issue’.
Thank you for reaching out to comment. It means more to me than you can imagine!
I can imagine that would be absolutely devastating. You inspire me by choosing to see it as an opportunity for growth and by being kind to yourself.
Tat recently posted…What’s your core energy?
Thank you Tatiana! I appreciate your kind words. My passion is to be of service to others through their healing process.