When is it time to share a secret? There comes a time that we take a close look and say…The secret must come out.
Do you notice when messages come across to you repeatedly in ways that it seems like you need to pay attention?
The first time I heard of this concept was many years ago at a live Oprah event. Oprah described it as – at first we receive a whisper. Then if we don’t listen to that, we receive a pebble. It went on with a few other examples to finally she said it’s as if we were to get hit by a 2×4 across the forehead so that we pay attention!
I Am NOT Waiting For The 2×4
For a few months I have been receiving signs and messages that it was time to share my secret. More recently, I have received a plethora of messages in various forms telling me that it is time for me to open up more. It’s time to allow myself to be vulnerable. The secret must come out.
For so long, I never wanted to share my story with ANYONE. Then finally through my healing process, I began sharing it with my closest friends. There was something that was still holding me back from sharing it with the public though. Here are a few reasons:
- Who cares about me? Everyone has their own problems
- It’s all too convoluted, people wouldn’t understand
- I didn’t want to be seen as a ‘victim’
- My whole life focus was to come across as a strong and independent person
- We all have unique experiences so why share?
- I used to have the fear of being judged
- Being respectful of my family members involved has always been important to me because I tried to live by the thought that if I didn’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all – thus my silence when it comes to me speaking about family members
“You, your story, and your life matter. And anything that matters deserves to be witnessed.”
-Kate Northrup
Then something happened. I read a story that touched my heart deeply. You can read it HERE.
While I was reading the article, I felt a connection to this person who I have never met or heard of before. It resonated with me so deeply that I read it over several times – many, many times.
I found that I also had learned so many of these same lessons while on my own healing journey. Here are just a few:
- Stop keeping the secret hidden from everyone
- The numbness and what that was doing to me
- Feeling like it was my fault (I was a little girl but still had felt it was my fault)
- Forgiving myself – I had been able to forgive others in my mind but it took me YEARS to get to this point to forgive myself
Why Choose Estrangement?
Oddly enough, it was not the sexual abuse from my father that brought me to choose to estrange myself from my mother once I was an adult (even though deep inside I was blaming her for not protecting me as a child).
It was my perception of her negativity. I couldn’t take all of what I called ‘negative energy’. I truly believe that we have no control over how others act so I chose to disassociate with her in a way to safeguard myself from all of that ‘negative energy’.
In fact, a different article HERE, expresses the idea of how strong mothers’ values can cause a rift with their adult children. My experience was that things had to be ‘her way or the highway’ even from a young age. I had learned to recoil and become submissive.
However when becoming an adult, I realized I could choose to follow my own set of values and morals. I trust myself without having to be a part of her specific religion. Also, I didn’t have to put up with the verbal and physical abuse that I did as a child.
The Consequences Now With My Own Adult Child
Unfortunately, it might be possible that with my choice to separate from my mother, this demonstrated to my one and only son that this behavior is okay.
While he was growing up, he was the Center of my Universe and he knew it. We were extremely close as I devoted my life to him since he was all that I had. That ended when he went off to college. Who knows why I am not important to him anymore? It could be:
- He watched me as a very strong independent woman so he may not think it’s necessary to have me in his life
- He doesn’t think it’s important to connect with me because he saw that I didn’t speak with my mother (even though I made sure HE had contact with her on a regular basis)
What I Know For Sure
What I know for sure is that this path I have been on for decades has provided me with much compassion and empathy for others. It has made me into a nurturing, caring person who extends love as much as possible. It has made me open minded and generous to help others during their individual situations.
I am so grateful for the healing process because it has completely changed my life. Yes, I still believe that we have no control over the actions of others. The difference now is that I no longer get triggered over things that used to bother me. And when there is a new trigger that was buried before, I now know how to address it to eliminate it.
The topic of family comes up ALL. OF. THE. TIME.
In the past, it bothered me because I didn’t know how to respond to the inquiries of others. I didn’t want to go into a big explanation of why I did not have family around me the way others do. I also didn’t want to listen to ‘She is your blood, you HAVE to reconcile’ or ‘don’t worry, your son will come around someday’ etc. etc.
Especially important to me is that it doesn’t feel like a knife going through me anymore. I can actually just smile and move on. It’s remarkable, really.
This way I can look at past events or even current events at face value instead of placing a certain ‘meaning’ and emotion attached to it.
What FREEDOM!!!
The following quote that I read recently sums up well what I strive for now (thank you Deborah):
Everything we experience, everything we think, everything we do shapes us, and I want that shape to be strong and beautiful and uniquely me.
– Deborah Weber
What about you? #WeAllHaveAStory
Please share your thoughts below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Oh Elda – I celebrate you! What a powerful article and what a powerful understanding you have.
Things change when we shift them out of secrecy into transparency. It’s not that we actual need to share the details or even the secret itself if we don’t want to. But it says I own this part of me – I may not like any of the circumstances around it one bit – but it is part of my wholeness and I’m not cutting that off from myself. It’s a brave and courageous thing to know ourselves in our wholeness and then let others see us.
You are indeed strong and beautiful and uniquely you Elda, and you gift the world with your presence. Thank you!
Deborah Weber recently posted…SOC 5: Pansies
Thank you for your support Deborah. Most of my life has been spent trying NOT to be seen so this is a very interesting experience for me.
I now look at it this way: If by chance I can help ANYONE by sharing my story so that they can realize that they are not alone, then this has served it purpose.
Oh Elda, you are so courageous to share your story! Secrets keep us sick and in the darkness. By sharing your secret with others you have brought yourself into the light. And you are such a beautiful, shining, bright star. Kudos to you for being so brave! I am grateful to know you Elda. You have many gifts to share with the world:)
Nancy Jambor recently posted…Living A Prosperous Life
Thank you so much for your kind words Nancy. I appreciate your comment so much.
Elda, I applaud you. Such courage to share what has been hidden for so long. Here is hope that you go forward with peace. Love to you.
Sue recently posted…Comment on Summer Reading by Sue
“Go forward with peace.” I like that Sue. Thank you so very much!
Elda,
Beautiful blog! Your openness gives others permission to be courageous as well. That is when healing can begin.
Thank you!
Thank you Deanna. It’s funny how when an idea is presented to me about how I may help others, I am all for it.
When I read that other woman’s story, I felt such a connection to this stranger just by reading her story. This catapulted me into action. I REALLY enjoy doing whatever I can to make a difference in someone else’s life.
Similarly to you, when I tell stories I’m always concerned about protecting the other people involved. I have a lot of untold stories as a result of that. I also have some stories that I regret sharing because I got emotional and I stepped over that invisibel line I had drawn for myself. In your story I can feel the acceptance and compassion you have for your family, you’re living the ‘Compassionate truth’.
Tat recently posted…What I’ve learned from my children these school holidays
I feel for you Tatiana. Many times when we become overly concerned with protecting everyone else, then we end up ‘pushing down’ our true feelings about the situation which causes us not only challenges with our own thoughts, it also manifests into some sort of illness.
For me, I suffered from daily headaches and weekly migraines for many, many years until I finally ‘let go’ of burying my emotions deep within me. I always thought it was my burden to carry alone.
I send you MUCH love and compassion for your situation.
Thank you for you kind comment about ‘Compassionate Truth’. You touched my heart deeply!
Bravo, brave friend. I hope this feels freeing to you. I think we talked about absorbing emotional negativity. Did you say you’ve read Orloff’s book Emotional Freedom? I had a big aha moment today in the manicure place! Super happy for you. Shine on!
Naomi recently posted…Going from type-A to, um, type-A 1/2?
Emotional negativity is so worth exploring. I met Dr. Orloff in 2012 and have been a fan since.
Isn’t it great to have ‘aha’ moments in the most unsuspecting places? Thanks so much for your comment Naomi.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story. I am touched by your story. It’s wonderful to know that healing is possible. Xoxo
Michele Bergh recently posted…What is it with Diet Soda??!
I have learned that healing is a process that we work on a continuous basis, however RELIEF is possible if we allow it to come our way.
Thank you for your support Michele, you are one of my various ‘whispers’ that resonated with me to finally take action. I am very grateful!
I agree with the comments, thank you for sharing your story! this post made me stop and think about alot of things – and make me realize I have alot to be grateful for in the bigger picture.
We all have a lot to be grateful for if we are open to see it, however this doesn’t discount the individual experiences we each go through.
A very important lesson I learned through all of this is the need to express our emotions of what we happen to be going through.
I had always buried my feelings because I wanted to be ‘positive’ and realize that other people have it worse than I do. I didn’t want to think of myself as a victim. When we do that, we hurt ourselves even more and there is no healing.
Keep in mind the Kate Northrup quote above, it speaks VOLUMES!!
I am so grateful for your comment Vickie. You matter to me.
you are so right! thank you for the reply
You are a warrior…. ❤️
Yes, warrior…Somehow you immediately noticed that when you first met me even though I was in denial back then! Thank you for your friendship Ann!!
Elda, Your work has always inspired me. Thank you for being you.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” – Brene Bown
Thank you Christine! Your comment means so much to me.
Oh….(((Tena!!!)))
Elda,
Thank you for your vulnerability sharing parts of your story! I knew from the moment I met you, you have a quiet strength about you & your light, love & what you give to others is greatly needed here. I ‘m proud to call you my friend!
Love & light,
Connie
I had tweeted out the story mentioned above and I noticed you retweeted the story (the one that catapulted me into action). So without realizing it, you had a part in this also because I saw that. Thank you Connie!
Hi elda. I,be watched your unfolding…like a bud, you were tight and now with the flowering you are open. Great to see! I need to connect w you again soon …
It’s interesting to see how others have seen me. Thank you for sharing Hiyala. I really like the flower analogy.
Wow! It’s amazing how our minds work, how our hearts feel. All of us. You are one special person.
You touched the point exactly Jeanne! How our hearts feel affect how our minds work and the actions we take which is why the way I am of service to others is so effective in helping people change their own life.
I LOVE what I do because I feel the difference it has made in my life. Thank you so much for your comment.
This is really powerful, not only that you share your story with us, but also that it might help someone else. Thank you
Anna recently posted…9 reasons why you can’t avoid falling in love with Buenos Aires
My goal for allowing myself to be vulnerable is to somehow be able to help others find relief for their situation.
You had left a comment once asking why people find it difficult to be around those closest to us. Your curiousness was one of the ‘whispers’ I received because it brought to my attention that many people really don’t understand. THANK YOU Anna, for your part (without you knowing it) in my decision to finally share my story.
Even though EACH person’s situation is different, we all have a reason… a story. For example, there is much more to my story but I did not feel it was important to share those details at this time. Maybe I will some day, maybe not.
It takes a lot of courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. So well done for being brave and doing it. Each of us has a story- smaller or bigger- all of them are equally valid and important.
Do you know mindfulness? It is very helpful in everyday life.
Yes, each person’s story is equally valid. I now understand how those that were the cause of my pain each had a story as well, however I don’t have to accept is as justification for what they did. It just demonstrates to me that ‘hurt people, hurt people’.
Mindfulness is one of my daily practices. Thanks for sharing.
Elda, it took me a long, long time to write publicly about my challenges with a thyroid condition. I didn’t even tell most of my friends for the first year or so. Now, I’ve learned that sharing my challenges with others can bring us closer. It helps the folks who read my blog to know me more deeply. It’s not always easy — the last post I wrote was, once more, about having hypothyroid symptoms — but I would rather share than hide. Congratulations on opening your heart to the world.
Harmony Harrison recently posted…Swimming Brains and Journal Pages: A hypothyroid update and a peek inside my art journal
Thank you for the encouragement Harmony. Sometimes I feel it makes people uneasy because they may not understand especially since some people consider family estrangement a ‘taboo’ subject. I think may have been part of the reason also.
I appreciate you sharing your experience with writing publicly.
Dear Elda,
Salute to your bravery, courage to tell it all and live your truth.
I can relate to you and I have a secret too. But I am scared. I have been thinking to share my secret in the form of a book but scared to relive those moments which almost destroyed me. Can you help me here? Should I wait any longer?
Your post is so timely and you made mention of many thought evoking points. Thank you for that. Looking forward to your reply.
There are many different healing modalities whether it is western medicine or eastern medicine. If you would like to explore EFT which was extremely beneficial for me, I can tell you that a person doesn’t have to ‘relive those moments’ in order to heal. That was critical for my healing because the phrase that kept coming up for me was, “I don’t want to go there.” (which is one of many reasons it is helpful to work with a certified practitioner because they can gently get you to address it by NOT ‘going there’.)
There are various techniques we use with this specific healing modality that work well with trauma so that the person doesn’t necessarily have to repeat what happened.
What EFT does is free the emotion we have connected to the memory of what happened (even if we don’t have a specific memory, it’s all about the feeling that a certain action evokes out of us.) Then we are more calm about situations and react much differently.
If you would like more information, please send me your email address through the pop-up screen and we can set up a time to discuss to see if this would be a good fit for you for this time in your life.
Elda, as I read your story, I just cannot believe all the emotions you must have felt when you wrote that. And it is out there for all of us to read and reflect on. You know that most people do not recover from life experiences like that, but you have lived it, dealt with it, learned from it, healed from it, and now you are helping others! What incredible strength you possess. I am proud of you for sharing your secrets and am very honored to have you for a very dear friend.
Thank you for being such a dear friend to me throughout all of these many years, Eric. Your support has been priceless!
Such courage! I was never physically abused, but lived in a very oppressive household. It took me many years to realize I could make my own choices and chose to ‘walk away’ or ‘speak my truth’. It is a powerful awakening. Thank you for sharing….
Debbie Goode recently posted…Meet Nuchi….
Thank you Debbie. What a great phrase, “a powerful awakening.” That it certainly is!
What courage to share your heartfelt story! You are on a strong and mighty path to helping others. I’m so glad I’ve gotten to know you and have seen the growth and positive changes in the last 2 years.
Thank you Jackie! I still remember the day I met you. I feel so blessed to have your close friendship and support. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Elda, Bravo!!
Healing comes from bringing our stuff to the light. As we continue to let loose of the things that hold us down. We shine.
You indeed are moving toward, living in and radiating that light.
Celebrating with you my friend
Lots of love and some big hugs,
Lori
Thank you so, so much Lori. You have played such an instrumental part in my life during this process. For that I am forever grateful. You truly were sent to me as a gift from above. I look forward to the day we can meet and hug in person!