Do you have family members that don’t speak to each other yet you, yourself are involved with their lives separately? Maybe they each ask you to share what is going on in the other person’s life and this makes you feel uncomfortable? What can you do if you are ‘stuck in the middle’ of all of this?
Identify your desires
First thing to do is to figure out what it is that you desire out of this predicament. Are you feeling the need of coming to the rescue of these family members and bringing them back together? Are you trying to be the ‘peace keeper’?
Or are you in fear of losing them from your life if you don’t fulfill their expectations of you?
What are YOU feeling? Many times, a person is so concerned about the other person that they forget to think about themselves and how this is actually affecting them.
Take the time to think about what is best for you in this scenario.
We Teach People
Once we have figured out what it is that we desire out of this situation, we can figure out how to move forward.
There is a phrase I heard many years ago that has stuck with me. “People treat us how WE teach them to.” When I first heard this, I didn’t quite understand. However, over time, I have found this to be true in many types of situations, not only with family.
Being clear
This is exactly why it is important to identify our desires first. If we are clear on what it is that we want to come out of being ‘stuck in the middle’ then we are able to navigate our way through it by being clear in our dialogue with each family member. We would be ‘teaching them’ how much we will or will not get involved with this.
“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.”
– Wayne Dyer
Feelings of Manipulation
If you are experiencing feelings of manipulation by some family members, then it would be beneficial to seek some sort of professional assistance with how to overcome that and allow yourself to stand up for yourself or remove yourself from the situation if violence is involved.
Remember, “We cannot control the actions of others, only how we react to it.” Are we communicating clear boundaries without placing blame anywhere?
For example, could we clearly state the following? “Although I would like to continue a good standing relationship with you, I will not be sharing anything about _____, so please don’t ask me. Yours and my relationship are separate from ______, and I would like to enjoy that with you.”
Other people’s relationships
It is hard enough for individuals to work through their own relationships, then expecting someone else to get involved in the middle and try to interject their separate ideas, makes things more difficult by tenfold. Each of them made the decision to separate from each other, why allow it to involve you? We can only change our self, no one else.
Have you experienced being stuck in the middle of family estrangement issues? What has worked for you? Please share your comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I think you’re really on target with this post Elda. In such situations I think it really IS important to identify what it is you want. And I don’t think we should underestimate how powerful it is to have and demonstrate healthy boundaries.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Beauty School
Many times we end up worrying too much about what we ‘think’ the other person wants and forget to consider what it is that we want or what is best for our well-being.
Thank you for your comment Deborah!
Great observations and ideas, Elda. I’m guessing you’re a middle child :-).
I’ve found you can’t win when trying to offer perspectives and ideas to resolve family dynamic challenges.
Curiously, some of the information contained in texts on the Enneagram have helped me understand some of this (I’m so not into classifying personality types – I’ve never fit any mold developed to try to define me, the Enneagram, included – but it gave me some perspective to help me realize people are wired to react in different ways).
Honestly, I think the expectations we envision as coming from others to help mollify relationship breakdowns are more about our own perspectives than the actual wishes of others. Usually, family members don’t want to hear suggestions offered to help diffuse issues – they’re more interested in rallying support for solidified perspectives of justified strife that’s not their fault.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Small business success & cell phone cocktail?
Very interesting that you brought up the Enneagram, Nanette. I have always been intrigued by it but have not studied it thoroughly. I do agree though that each of us are definitely wired in different ways.
Thanks so much for your comment!
I’ve found the Enneagram to be a fascinating and extremely useful tool in trying to better understand why others may do what they do – for what it’s worth. Translations (and interpretations) vary. Wish someone would create a text focused more on the attributes to be honored than the extremes focused on the negatives. Maybe someone has, but I haven’t found it.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Small business success & cell phone cocktail?
I know you said this 4 years ago, but this is something I really needed to hear today. This is exactly the predicament I put myself in, and you’re right. Thank you!
You are most welcome, Sarah!
Your blog has be thinking and mostly melancholy as I realize that my main driver in my family relationships is obligation. Our family history as military brats did not foster intimate relationships or foster the desire to maintain them. There is a big “supposed to” in my heart about them but no real desire. Perhaps it is the comfort of not being reminded of the past or the struggles. Got me thinking.
THOMAS H MAIELLO recently posted…The Metaphysics in an Elemental Zinc Fireball
THANK YOU for sharing your personal experience and your thoughts, Thomas.
Each of us have our own perception of how things went on in our home. That’s why you can talk to two siblings and get two different family stories. Neither one is right or wrong, it just is that person’s perception.
You have a right to feel what you are feeling right now. And you also have a right to change that feeling (and perception) if you so choose to.
Be kind to yourself.
oooooooooooooh this reminds me of how far I’ve come! Got aways to go, but I’m freer and more authentic than I have ever been in my family of origin. Thank You, Elda! Your words are inspiring and uplifting and hopeful!
Mary Welch recently posted…Discerning Wisdom
It’s important for us to take time to reflect on how far we have come. I’m glad this post brought some awareness of that for you and was able to be uplifting as well.
Mary, I appreciate you so much!!!
Hmm, I’ve often seen this problem expressed from the viewpoint of one of the people on the ends, rather than the middle. That is, they want to or have to stay involved with the middle person, but don’t trust them not to give information to the other “end” person that can be used to harm them. (Such as phone numbers, current addresses, where their kids go to school, etc.)
SKJAM! recently posted…Book Review: The Year’s Greatest Science-Fiction and Fantasy Second Annual Volume
I am glad to share with you a different perspective. Thanks for your comment Scott.
I am stuck between my daughters and between each of my daughters and my husband who is their step father.
When I think about what I feel it primarily fear that my daughters will be emotionally hurt by each other and by my husband. Ex was emotionally abusive. Daughters ages twenty and twenty four.
My daughters are reasonably decent people but like most young people can be unfair, lazy and selfish at times. My husbands default reaction is frustration and he sounds angry and critical and that feels threatening to my daughters. I try to get in first to get them to behave well to avoid an argument. One daughter is obsessively clean and tidy and quite controlling of our environment and the other avoids demand and is extremely messy. Each person in the family confides in me and often expect s me to do something about the others. Each person feels I side with the other and don’t support the. When my husband talks to me about his view he is often very annoyed and although he is not annoyed with me I can’t help absorbing his anger and wanting to protect my daughters by presenting their side of things to him. They complain about him and I try to justify his feelings but not his way of communicating which can occasionally be offensive. (Calling one daughter an asshole when she wouldn’t keep covid social distance rules in her social life) He feels that he tries to communicate calmly but is ignored by one daughter and this makes him angry and justifies his behaviour towards her. She feels nothing justifies his behavour and so it goes around in circles. There is a lot of love in our family and we all good to each in many ways but I’m exhausted and sad and don’t know how to detach and still have everyone feel heard and respected. I know I am perpetuating this dynamic but I don’t know how to do things differently.
Siobhan,
Sorry to hear of the predicament you seem to be in. I would be happy to share some tips that can help you through this.
Feel free to set up a 30 minute conversation on my scheduling link (the pop up here).
Always remember, we can not control other people and how they are acting, we can only control how we are reacting.
Sending you so much love and compassion…