Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting…
and so begins the song ‘Not Ready To Make Nice’ by the Dixie Chicks from 10 years ago. Are you feeling not ready to forgive and forget?
I was listening to some of my music I had not listened to in a long time and this song resonated with me so deeply because of the lyrics. There was a time that I had these exact feelings.
In case you are unaware of her story, Natalie Maines wrote this song due to a political controversy she was involved in. HOWEVER, the lyrics can definitely be related to a person’s situation of estrangement OR any other relationship struggles that have not been resolved completely.
Time heals everything
How many times have you heard that phrase? Does time really heal everything?
If we continue to stuff our emotions that are related to whatever our situation is, those emotions are STILL THERE. Burying them does not allow for ‘healing’ just because time has passed.
Recently Angie Bowie (David Bowie’s ex-wife) was questioned during an interview about her son whom she hasn’t had any contact for more than 28 years. Watch the short clip here.
Her response is one that demonstrates that time does NOT heal everything:
“It hurts me, and when something hurts me I put it in something in the back of my head and close the door on it.
You can ask me until I’m blue in the face and I will say, ‘yeah, whatever’.”
When I heard her response, it reminded me of when that used to be me and I would always wonder why people couldn’t just drop it.
Can’t you just get over it?
Some people may think they are being supportive by using that question especially if it’s a situation that has gone on for years.
Look at Angie Bowie’s situation has been over 28 years and she clearly is not ‘over it’.
In order to move forward, we need to release those emotions that we have regarding how it is affecting us. Intellectually, we can try to tell ourselves that everything is okay and yet if we are honest with ourselves, we will find that it’s just been stuffed down in a way to avoid it.
You are not alone
One important step is to reach out to get some support from others who can share empathy and encouragement without judgment because they have lived it themselves. You want to surround yourself with people who can lift you up during these times you may be feeling low.
Check online for groups meeting in your area. Check with your spiritual groups also. They may have a circle you can attend. Even if the group is not specifically catered to your situation, you can find solace in meeting with this uplifting energy in the group.
Let those emotions flow
One easy way to let the emotions flow through you is to journal. Write some pages out of exactly what is on your mind connected to that other person. If we can do this without censoring our writing, this will bring out lots of emotions. Then burn the pages or rip them up in many pieces. The goal is not to bring it to the other person’s attention. The goal is to RELEASE all that is pent up inside of you.
Core memories
Remember the movie “Inside Out”?
‘Joy’ was so busy trying to make sure that ‘Sadness’ didn’t touch any of the core memories. These emotions from those core memories are buried in our bodies are affecting us now in our adult life.
If you would like to learn more about how to address those core memories emotions, contact me and I would be happy to explain in much more depth.
“It’s never too late – never too late to start over, never too late to be happy.”
-Jane Fonda
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting…
What comes up for you when you hear/read those lyrics above? Are you feeling not ready to forgive and forget? Please share in the comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Whenever I think about forgiveness I think of the words of Lewis Smedes, which really resonate with me: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
There is such truth in that isn’t there?
Deborah Weber recently posted…fabulousities, curiosities, and brain igniters
Quite true. Thanks for sharing that quote. I not heard that particular one before.
Deborah’s quote is brilliant. I’d not heard it before either.
I like your idea of letting the emotions flow and then ripping them all up. I can see that being a doable first step for someone reluctant to bring the issue to the attention of the other person.
Kelly L McKenzie recently posted…My 93 Year-Old Mum’s Thoughts On Color
In some cases, it’s best not to bring it to the other person’s attention because we can’t make them change (we can only change ourselves) so it’s best to let the emotions surface and work their way through us. Thanks for popping in, Kelly!
I loved the movie Inside/Out – I decided to go see at 10:15A showing over the 4th of July weekend at 10A. My husband thought I was crazy, I knew he had no interest in it! I thought it was brilliantly done! Since I’m not working full-time anymore – I have been investigating my spiritual side, trying to meditate more, I even took a day long workshop on introduction to Buddhism. I loved it! I had to laugh about a coincidence, you mentioned both Angela Bowie and Jane Fonda – both of whom took up residence in Atlanta at one time. Who would have thought !
SO nice to hear from you Vickie! Congrats on taking time for yourself and exploring the spiritual side of you. Sounds Divine!
Yes, time does heal, but only if you are taking actions to facilitate it! Great tips on how to help heal those wounds. I’ve burned & ripped journal pages and open letters to those who have hurt me. Often times, it may need to be done more than once!
Great point, Lulu! Actions are KEY for transformation of any kind. I’m sure it felt really good to burn those letters. Thanks for adding that it may need to be done more than once.
Time is irrelevant. Sure, it can make the wound sting less but a big part of that is the wall we put up around it. True healing is a conscious effort. I am a big fan of writing things down and burning them 🙂 And music – another of my favorite ways to release. Loved your post Elda!
“True healing is a conscious effort.” What a valid and direct response. Yes, people do need to WANT the healing and to take action to get them there.
Thank you Amy! Glad you enjoyed the post.
Funny – I’m one who finds journaling – particularly in my darkest times – something worth keeping. It’s cathartic, but perhaps more importantly, a reality check when I reread thinking I’m low that there were times much worse than where I might be as I grow. Sometimes, too, it’s like having a kindred spirit sharing my pain. Weird, I suppose, but what brings down one can elevate another.
On songs (I was expecting a fuller examination of this) I’ve had my go-to lyrics for decades. It’s curious how the message changes (for me anyway) over time. Songs I used to cry with now make me smile. Go figure.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Small business owners can ditch plans and still smile
Whatever works for you…keep it or dispose of it. The most important piece of this is to allow our feelings to flow through us and be freed WITHOUT sharing this with others. Mailing the letters would just create more tension.
Personally, I don’t care to keep negative writings because those words have energy and I would rather be rid of that negative energy. That’s just a personal choice.
Thank you so much for sharing, Nanette!
Interestingly, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately about myself. I am finally forgiving myself for something long ago.
That’s FANTASTIC, Naomi!! Thank you for bringing that up. Many times we forget to look at our own feelings of where we might need to forgive ourselves.
A few weeks ago, I was doing an exercise where I was prompted to journal on forgiveness and I found myself writing about forgiving myself for something just the way you mentioned.
Thanks for reminding me about that. It was very therapeutic!
I try to “forgive” but forgetting…no it is always there in the back of my mind. It doesn’t really ‘weigh me down’ or interfere with my happiness. Life is too short for that, but rather it is there as a reminder….a reminder that I will always be cautious around that particular person, sadly the trust we once had between us is gone.
Debbie Goode recently posted…At last…….
Thank you for sharing Debbie. Healing through relationship issues is a process with which we want to be gentle with our self. Sounds like it is working for you. It’s nice to have it not interfere with our happiness.
“Time heals all wounds…but the scars still remain” as the song goes. Forgiving someone does not mean letting them be in a position to hurt you again; some of them have not changed their behavior yet.
SKJAM! recently posted…Manga Review: Dream Fossil
“Life is…10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.” – Charles Swindoll
You’re right Scott, we can not control others and how they act so we can only work on ourselves so that we don’t get our buttons pushed even by the thought of them.