EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH.
There is some sort of holiday that may be sensitive for you if you are estranged from one person in your family or maybe even the entire family.
It’s clearly impossible to avoid holidays with estrangement issues in your current life.
If someone has a ‘Leave it to Beaver’ family scenario (those of you that have never heard of this TV show can Google it), they might be thinking of only the holidays in December might be tough for someone.
A quick example: all one has to do is go onto social media to see photos and well wishes to ‘siblings’ in April; ‘mothers’ in May; and ‘fathers’ in June. (Believe me there is more. I just don’t want to bore you with all of them).
What is a person to do besides turn into a hermit or live under a rock?
You have a choice
Remind yourself that you have a choice as to how you react to a situation. People will do certain things or say certain things or you may see something on social media or on a TV commercial, however you always have a choice to either absorb it all in or just let it ‘roll off your back’.
You also have a choice to put yourself in a situation where you know there will be lots of talk about that particular topic. For example, we know people are going to be posting family photos of their family gatherings on these holidays so why subject yourself by going on social media during that time?
Find an alternative activity
Make an appointment for yourself to do some things that you enjoy doing. It will definitely help to take your mind off of what you might have been thinking you were missing out on. What’s one of your most favorite activities?
Pay attention to how you feel
If you are feeling a certain way whether it is anger or sadness, allow yourself to feel it fully for a few minutes and then move on. Ignoring it will not make it go away. It’s important to allow it to flow freely through the body.
Watch how you feel after you have been talking to someone or even if you are on an online support group that is depressing you. Taking care of yourself is the best place to focus your attention.
Change something
You can complain all you want or claim to be the victim, just expect that you will find yourself on the same cycle of that hamster wheel year after year. There are many opportunities for a person to work out of the ‘stuck’ feeling of what their situation is in regards to their family conflict. Make a change for the better.
- Join an uplifting support group
- Find a great therapist
- Create a surrogate family who honors you the way you need to be treated
- Read good books on the topic of family separation
- Concentrate on finding your own joy –within yourself- without depending on someone else
- Connect with me to see how working together can be of great relief
“Don’t use your past as an excuse as to why you are bitter. Use your past as a reason to why you are better.”
-Unknown
How do you use your past as a reason to why you are better? Please share in the comments below.
Because each person’s experience with estrangement is so unique, the focus on the blog post is on YOU and how you are finding ways to heal.
Those that are receiving my blog posts in their email have been learning how my personal situations with estrangement have affected me because I share some personal stories in the “Compassion Corner” that I don’t share here.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I think it’s hugely empowering to remember we always have choices in how we respond to things.
I’ve been thinking lots about the quote from Sandra Cisneros: “The way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk.”
Everything we experience, everything we think, everything we do shapes us, and I want that shape to be strong and beautiful and uniquely me.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Summer Solstice 2015
Oh Deborah, I love your comment on how everything shapes us. I try to share that with my friends also so that they can realize that it’s not what happens to us that is making us feel the way we feel, instead it is our past experiences that have shaped us that has us reacting this way.
I am going to remember this plus the way you ended it. “…..and I want that shape to be strong and beautiful and uniquely me.”
Beautifully stated! Thank you for sharing!
Such a common issue in many families. Family time should be based on enjoyment, laughter, trust, it should be something we long for….Why then so many people find it so difficult to be around people that are the closest to us?
Anna recently posted…Keep calm…and go to Chile. What you need to know before your trip.
There is a whole wide variety of reasons some families struggle, Anna. Most importantly, people are just doing the best they can when they react to what happened to them from their life experiences.
This is why the work I do with people helps them find relief. Removing the emotional component attached to the event or the words helps a person find a new perspective which enables them to find relief.
For a short list (there are many more) of reasons why some people struggle with family relationships, here is a previous blog post I did on it. https://www.compassionatetruth.com/is-it-okay-to-cut-off-family/
I have some family that it’s always painful to be around. Who doesn’t? This is excellent advice!
Naomi recently posted…Life in the fast lane: women don’t play
What methods have you found to cope? Thanks for the visit Naomi.
Family holidays can be stressful even without estrangement issues, especially for those of us on the introverted side. So I’ll definitely keep your advice in mind next time I’m faced with an all-day family party that is oh, so draining.
Tat recently posted…What’s your detective superpower? (Quiz)
Thank you for your comment Tatiana. Be sure to take care of yourself in those situations. In order to be of available for others, we need to make sure we are doing okay. Kind of like what the airline attendant tells us before we take off on an airplane. Put your own oxygen mask on first!
I had (have) a very difficult relationship with a family member and for years it caused me a great deal of stress and pain. Finally a few years ago I made the decision to forgive that person. It was life changing….allowed me to take a step back and not be pulled into all the negativity that surrounds that person on a daily basis.
Debbie Goode recently posted…Meet Nuchi….
Thank you for sharing your experience Debbie. What a brave move for you to be able to step back and not be pulled into a negative situation by forgiveness. Kudos for you for this life changing decision!
Hello Elda,
Thought evoking post indeed. Loved your post.
Family estrangement!I am currently in such a situation with my family. I’m far away from them though and I need to be as I used to get too stressed. Had I been staying living close to them, my marriage would be in tatters. Hence, keeping my distance.
I’ve been through a rough childhood where everything looked smooth on top but on the inside a mess. I have been a victim, I did hold on to the ‘victim’ label and all the negative emotions for a while but for the past few years I have been questioning myself: what do I gain by portraying myself as a victim? NOTHING.
Hence I stopped.
I remind myself how lucky I am to be surrounded by people who are no family to me but still care for me the way family should have. I keep telling myself, I’m not a victim but a victor!
I haven’t forgiven my perpetrator yet…I’m not ready for it…nor do I think I will ever be…but I have moved on
I am free from all the negative forces that were pulling me down. I believe I’m not who I was in my past, what matters most is who I choose to be.
I am happy with who I have become. I love myself for everything I am. Thank you for giving me the chance to reflect Elda.
Wish you a lovely week ahead:)
Thank you for being so open Hema. It sounds like you have been working on taking care of yourself in order to heal. Self-love is the foundation for any healing process.
Glad you were able to reflect on how things were and where they are now. You have a lot to be proud of!
Poignant and timely post. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. Luckily, the person involved is getting help with an addiction, so it is time to forgive. Trust is the hard thing to come, and I realize now, and this post helped verify it, I need to work on myself
Thank you for sharing Vickie. Sometimes it is hard to forgive ourselves for feeling this way about a family member. So it’s important to first start with forgiving oneself, that way we will be more open to forgive the other person later. Glad to hear that this post was helpful and what you needed to see at this particular time. You take good care.
I’ve certainly not had a “leave it to beaver” type family. In fact, I don’t have contact with most all of them. But as Debbie stated, forgiveness does help. Even though I was able to forgive does not mean I want to spend time with them. It took awhile , but I feel okay with my decision to stay away. There are times like the holidays when I feel their presence. I then ask myself if I’m doing the right thing by staying away. The answer is always yes. I honor myself when I don’t put myself into a situation I know I’ll come out of hurt again. That makes me feel good. I’d love to think that someday I could have a healthy relationship with them, but I also know that may never happen. I am grateful to have people around me that have become my family. I’ve found a kind of peace to celebrate the happiness created by who I’m around rather than thinking it should always be filled with family members. I like your tips. They are very helpful reminders. And thank you for confirming there are others like me out there. I find a comfort in knowing I’m not alone.
Thank you for sharing Kelli. Good for you for recognizing what you need to do to take care of yourself even during those hard times.