If someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.
“If someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”
Think about this quote for a moment from both perspectives. Have you ever had someone say to you, “Get over it. I didn’t mean anything by that.”
Or maybe you have thought to yourself about someone telling you that they were hurt by your actions, “What is their problem? They are so sensitive.”
We can’t control other people and how they act towards us or even how they react to what we have said or done, however, we can be mindful of our actions because the same action could have a completely different meaning depending on whom it is directed at.
Real Life
Here’s are two real life examples:
I have one friend who gets very upset when people compliment her and notice that she has lost weight when she has been on a diet. This is because she wonders why she has to lose weight for people to compliment her. Her wish is to be noticed in a positive light no matter what her size.
Another friend of mine gets offended if people don’t compliment her when she has lost weight from being on a diet. Her Love Language happens to be ‘Words of Affirmation’ so in her eyes, she feels loved when she hears compliments especially after putting in all that hard work.
“If someone tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.
Have you ever attended an event for someone in your family or maybe a coworker where they were receiving recognition and you were surprised by what people were saying about them? It could be they were being honored for some special achievement or it might have been a funeral service.
People have confided in me time and time again, “I can’t believe all those nice things that were said about _____. That’s NOT the person I knew.”
Did you know that a “different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you”?
Each person in our life whether it be a family member or someone we work with or maybe our best friend, EACH of them creates a version of you in their heads.
You are not the same person to one of your parents that you are to your best friend. Your parents might say that you are shy while your best friend may think you are the very social.
Each person is going off of their own life’s experiences to create their own perspective of you.
What can you do about it?
I guess the best question to ask yourself if someone tells you you hurt them is:
How important is this relationship to you? What are you willing to do to avoid hurting them again?
After speaking to someone in person, I watch for their facial expressions to see if there might be some misunderstanding in what was said or done.
Or after emailing someone and I may not receive a response, I reread the email to see if there was something in there that might have been taken out of context.
Why bother with all of this?
….BECAUSE I CARE about these relationships.
The Four Agreements
And what if YOU are the one who feels you have been hurt even after you’ve tried?
Refer back to the second of the ‘Four Agreements’ from the book by Don Miguel Ruiz
“Don’t take anything personally.”
~Nothing others do is because of you.
~What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.
~When you are immune to the opinion and action of others, you will be won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
What about you? I would love to hear your experiences.
Can you think of a time that someone may have been hurt by something you did? Look back and see what version of you they were seeing.
Sending you much love and compassion,
Elda
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
“Can you think of a time that someone may have been hurt by something you did?”
Actually, yes, I can think of a time when I know I hurt someone. It wasn’t intentional, but it was for self-preservation. If I could make changes to save the friendship, I would have. In this case, I needed boundaries, and I could only create those boundaries by ending the day-to-day friendship. It bothers me, but I know it was the right decision for now. I always go back to, what end result do I want and if I go back and try to repair the relationship, how likely is it that I’ll get the better outcome? It’s not a comfortable feeling even though it might be a rational decision.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Michelle.
There’s a difference between self-preservation and someone who refuses to see how their actions could have affected someone else.
When I read the quote above, my interpretation was for people who deny that their actions could have affected the other person. It’s kind of like them saying, “That’s their problem for being so sensitive.” Or something similar.
Thanks again for your vulnerability.
Sending you so much love and compassion for doing what is right for you.
I’ve always appreciated the quote “What other people think of me is none of my business.”
Yes, that is a great quote which can save a person a lot of heartache.
Thank you for your input, KC!
I love what you said, “A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.” And it is different from how we see ourselves.
I am very sensitive to hurting others as well because relationships are so important to me. A couple years ago I was interacting with a teenager from church. He clearly had bad feelings towards me, but I had no idea what I did. I felt inspired to sit down with him and his parents and apologize to him. I made it clear that I didn’t know what I had done and if I had done something, it wasn’t intentional. His parents were shocked that I would go to that length to try to build a relationship with their son. The boy got emotional and I think it chipped away at some of his “armor.” I felt better knowing I had done everything in my power to reach him.
What a beautiful story of awareness and understanding that others perceptions can be different.
Thank you for sharing such a personal and sensitive story, Deb!
“A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.”
This is so on point. For a long time I got wrapped up in my own thoughts about myself and others until I realized that how I perceive myself, how others perceive me, how I perceive them, and how they perceive themselves is all a matter of perspective. And with that comes the freedom to let go of trying to decide what they/I think of myself/themselves/each other because we all know a different version.
And to not take things personal is a big fat yes! And so hard. Thanks for the reminder.
Letting go of trying to decide what they think can be a hard task sometimes. Good for you for focusing on this, Jess!
I like the quote that KC mentioned in her reply above. I think I first heard it years ago from Deepak Chopra.
“Someone’s else’s opinion of me (good or bad) is none of my business.”
The four agreements was such a powerful book for me. And thank you for the two examples that are exact opposites. It’s a great reminder that it is truly the perspective of the receiver to decide how to take something, and our reaction to it is our own as well. And both are validated and can be healed!
Awareness is so important and key to avoiding hurting someone.
I LOVE your last line in your comment, Dawn. It’s SO TRUE!
“…both are validated and can be healed!”
I love hearing about the four agreements. I find it hard sometimes to discover with out coming right out and asking what someone’s love languages is. I have not experienced any adverse effects in doing so and often gain clarity, insight and a deeper relationship by doing so.
Thanks for the reminder.
The fact that you care enough to come out and ask about their love language is impressive.
It shows that you are willing to do what it takes to make them feel special.
That’s awesome, Kelly!!