“At least” you have a boyfriend/husband to argue with.
“At least” you get to experience a holiday dinner even though there is drama there.
“At least” you have a loving pet to take to the veterinarian.
How does it feel when you are going through a hard time in life, and someone tries to console you with the words starting the sentence, ”at least”?
The holidays are soon approaching. Do you have a friend or know someone in your community (whether it is at work, in your church group, maybe someone from the gym), someone that may be estranged from family?
Is there a way to share some compassion with them during this difficult time of year?
Empathy feels connection. Here are some tips for how we may demonstrate empathy when we encounter someone going through a difficult time.
Four Qualities of Empathy:
Theresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar, studied professions where empathy is relevant. She then came up with the Four Qualities of Empathy as explained in a short video by Dr. Brene Brown. Here is my understanding from it. (Click here for video)
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Perspective Taking
This is the ability to take the perspective of another person, or recognize their perspective as their truth.
This requires a lot of understanding of how each of us see life through different lenses. We have had different life experiences. Once we learn to respect the other person’s perspective, this opens up a whole new world for dialogue.
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Staying Out of Judgment
Easier said than done, right? Way too many times, we hear people making quick judgments before knowing the whole story. In order to be able to sincerely demonstrate empathy, it is critical that we avoid any sort of judgment.
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Recognizing Emotion in Other People and Then Communicating That
Recently, I learned a tip that was new to me. When we offer a facial tissue to someone who starts crying, we are sending a non-verbal signal that this tissue is to wipe the tears away or that we want them to stop. Why not give them a moment to own their feelings before we rush to try to get them to stop sharing their sadness or frustration or whatever emotion they are feeling? (Within safety guidelines of course)
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Feeling With People
But how do we feel with people? First, it is like a sacred space where if someone is in a dark place about a situation in their life, instead of just nodding saying, “Oh really, it’s bad, huh?” We would come to them and say, “ I know what it’s like. You are not alone.”
Empathy is a vulnerable choice because in order to provide empathy, we need to connect with something within our self that knows that feeling.
One of the things we do sometimes in the face of difficult conversations is we try to make things better.
If someone shares something very difficult with us and we have no experience to be able to say that ‘we know what it’s like”, then they may like to hear us say, “I don’t even know what to say right now. I am just glad you told me.”
When it comes down to it, all people truly want is connection. Connection is what makes things better, not the ‘perfect’ response or someone trying to ‘fix the problem’.
What is some way you can think of demonstrating empathy with someone in your life whether it is someone you know that is estranged from family or even a different situation this holiday season?
Please share your ideas below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Another thought-provoking post Elda. I think one of the most powerful things we can do for each other is simply hold space without rushing in to try to fix things for someone else. It can be such a gift to know that you’re heard and witnessed and not being urged to get over it and move on or pretend to feel something you don’t. Sometimes that just being seen and not judged piece offers enough so that someone can feel whole enough to move in a direction that feels more preferred to them.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Miscellany: L is for…
“Simply hold space” – what a great way to phrase it Deborah! Thank you for your comment and interest in the post. I also appreciate how you likened our actions as ‘gifts’ to other people. Excellent!
Thank you for this blog and your wisdom.
Christine G. recently posted…Butterflies and Poetry
I enjoy it when you stop by Christine!
Thank you for these tips, I have a friend who’s going through a hard time right now and I am constantly finding myself at a loss what to say. I’ve probably used the “at least” line, too…oops.
Tat recently posted…Just a thought about sleep…
Thank you for sharing Tat. I am glad you found this useful. We all learn as we go.
I like this and found it helpful – “I don’t even know what to say right now. I am just glad you told me.”
Thanks for sharing this, Elda.
Thanks for visiting Jackie! Yes, a very powerful statement indeed. Glad you found it helpful.
Elda, this is powerful. That thing about the tissue is so insightful. I never thought of it like that, but since you wrote that I can totally see it now. How many subtle things are like that. I thought about the times that I have cried in front of others and they offered me a tissue. I felt that it was a good thing because I wanted to wipe the tears away too. I wanted them to be gone. But what you are saying here is to stay with the tears. As a friend, can we stay with the tears alongside them?
Good stuff, Elda.
Amy Putkonen recently posted…Scattered Life Collective: November 21st
Exactly Amy! “Stay with the tears alongside them.” We want to allow them the freedom of releasing their emotions because emotions really WANT to be felt. Thanks for sharing Amy.