The F word. It’s that word that everyone reacts to when they hear it. Some people might pull back to create distance, some cringe at the same time making a face. Others roll their eyes and shut down because they don’t want to hear it. Would you like to know how the F word can save you?
Forgiveness. Why does it affect people in this way? The dictionary describes it as:
: the act of forgiving someone or something
: the attitude of someone who is willing to forgive other people
Don’t ‘Go There’
So what is it about the act or the attitude that bothers people so much?
First of all, it means that we have to admit that there was some sort of wrongdoing. Some people don’t want to ‘go there’. They prefer to push those feelings or thoughts deep down and hope that they don’t surface to the top.
Who was wrong?
Then it comes down to, “Well they were the ones that were wrong. Why should I have to address it? I have a right to feel this way!”
Or what if we are the ones asking for forgiveness? Do we give up and say, “How many times do I have to apologize?”
Condoning the behavior
Some people believe that the act of forgiveness is quietly condoning the behavior. Where did that idea come from?
Going back to the dictionary this is how the word forgive is described:
: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)
: to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)
Here it puts the attention on eliminating the anger not that we condone the behavior.
YOU are the priority
Where do you fit in this picture? Have you given any thought to forgiving yourself first and foremost? Does that surprise you? Why you?!? Show compassion for yourself.
There are various emotions we would benefit from releasing that may be secretly holding us hostage.
Whether we are resentful because we have been cut out of someone’s life OR if we are angry for what that person has done to us to make us decide to cut them out of our life… either way, we may have deep negative emotions connected to this person in our family.
People that don’t know your situation of estrangement may not know about your negative emotions about this person so you end up living a double life where you are a nice person to others but inside of yourself, you feel total animosity toward this family member.
An important part of the healing process is to learn to forgive yourself for these feelings that you have. The sooner we can forgive oneself for these strong negative emotions and realize that it doesn’t make us a bad person, the sooner we can release those feelings and move on.
It doesn’t justify what they did. It just releases the emotional charge we may have put into our own mind of possible guilt or confusion over having those feelings.
Admit we had a part in it
What feelings come up when we think about how we played a part in this whole ordeal? No matter what happens in life, in some way, we had a part in it.
It doesn’t mean to put blame on any one person. Instead it brings attention that all of life is connected in some way.
There is an excellent meditation here that works well for self-forgiveness.
It’s called Ho’oponopono.
- I am sorry
- I love you
- Please forgive me
- Thank you
It is a simple Hawaiian healing meditation. Click here to watch a guided meditation video. You can modify the words in the meditation to fall in accordance with what your situation is with your family conflict.
“I don’t desire to see just the ‘good’ in you. I want to see the ‘bad’ part of you and still desire you like nobody else.”
Chandresh Bhardwaj
Can we dig deep and show compassion by forgiving our self first so that we may release these emotions and move on? Can you see how the F word can save your inner being?
Have you ever practiced the Ho’oponopono meditation before? Please share your experience.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
I usually don’t have a problem with forgiveness. There’s only one person that keeps poking at the wound, so to speak.
Linda Ursin recently posted…I promised to show you the progress
Welcome Linda! Thanks for sharing.
Have you ever tried the above mentioned meditation? We can do it for ourself OR we can do it with the person in mind. Either way, amazing results are received with this practice.
When I think of forgiveness, I always remember something Jack Kornfield, the great Buddhist teacher, said: “It is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering.”
It’s my belief that forgiveness is an energetic and symbolic process that allows completion. And the Ho’oponopono practice is such a beautiful and powerful place to start releasing the ties that bind us so.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Lilac Bees and Holey Lights
You know I love a good quote! Thanks for sharing this one Deborah and for your comments on the Ho’oponopono practice. Glad to hear you have found it useful.
Hello Elda,
This is some powerful stuff. What I have found is that forgiveness waits inside until we are ready. I have longed for clarity, longed for renewed connection, longed for so much, and it didn’t happen for me – by way of many, many roads, until it did. And then it flew open doors in my heart that had been closed and tightened shut for decades. I had an epiphany too, that knocked me sideways.
Liesl Garner | Love.Sparks.Art recently posted…Roaring Quiet of an Open Space
Your experience reminds me of the quote, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Sounds like it was an extraordinary experience! Thanks for sharing Liesl.
I love the practice of ho’oponopono. It’s so powerful. I feel my heart soften as soon as I say those words. I love the quote you shared as well. That’s how I want to love others and be loved.
Michele Bergh recently posted…Chicken and Veggie Bake
Thank you so much for your comment Michele! It’s nice to know others notice the power of that meditation.
I follow @meetchandresh on Twitter. He CONSISTENTLY has the best quotes. He also has a book coming out soon. Check him out!
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing….and came easier for me once I realized It didn’t mean I accepted or condoned the behavior. Reading the book “The Shack” by William Young, opened my heart to forgiveness and I highly recommend the book to anyone who struggles with the ‘concept’ of forgiveness.
Debbie Goode recently posted…Tucumcari, New Mexico
Thanks for sharing your experience after reading this book Debbie. Your opening comment is priceless! “Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.” THANK YOU!
Great post. Important lesson. Forgiveness is so hard for so many people, and that is so sad. Life is so much more positive without carrying around the burden of negative energy associated with holding a grudge. I feel blessed to not have anything icky hanging around in my world. I am quick to forgive (perhaps too quick sometimes?) Forgiveness frees the soul.
PR Brady recently posted…Basic Borsch
Thanks for your comment Patty. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is oneself. That is why this Ho’oponopono meditation is so helpful.