You have a newborn so it’s time to be joyful yet people keep asking about your parents (the child’s grandparents), people that are no longer a part of your life.
One way another, there you are facing the stigma of family estrangement.
Maybe you have experienced a death of one of your parents and now at the family services, you are expected to sit next to your sibling with whom you have not had any contact with for years.
There are so many times when someone in this situation is put in a position of either trying to defend their position or water down the circumstances because of wondering ‘what will people think’ if they really knew?
What about your spouse’s family that just don’t understand how you could not have any contact with your family of origin? You had been hoping to receive some support there however instead there are incessant questions and concerns about what they may think is best for you.
Shame – Guilt – Avoidance – Anger – Fear
Our emotions. This is the part of us that make us feel alive and unique from one another. What if we were to fully address these emotions attached to our situation of family estrangement instead of spending our life trying to avoid addressing it or denying that we are experiencing this pain?
Most people have worked so hard to be perceived as a person who ‘has it all together’ that they may not even realize that they have these pieces of pain that need to be worked out.
Let it flow
If you want to be free from this inner pain and/or fear of judgment from others, simply view these feelings as a temporary shift in your energy flow.
You can handle a feeling. That’s what the issue of how we react to how others respond to our situation or ‘the stigma’.
If you are feeling shame or guilt or whatever your specific emotion is, remind yourself it is just a feeling, a part of creation. Allow it to pass through you.
Our shield
It’s more common for us to put up a wall of protection and close ourselves off from others. When we do this we end up closing off our energy flow in our body.
By doing this, we end up making this a part of us. The pain remains inside of us and continues to build. This built up energy in our body keeps turning up in other similar instances in our life because our body has not been freed from that yet. We end up distancing ourselves in order to avoid this stored pain.
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation,
because your character is what you really are,
while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
-John Wooden
Facing the stigma of family estrangement
In the end, the stigma is in our mind. It has become a label.
Yes, people will react however they will when they find out. In reality, that is their issue to deal with. What we want to do is release our inner pain so that in truth, we really are okay when the subject arises. We can avoid being triggered by other people’s questions and comments.
There are many different healing techniques that can be helpful in having us push through our emotions so that we may allow our energy to flow freely. I personally know it works as it has helped me immensely with my situations with estrangement. Would you like to feel better? Contact me to find out more.
We’ve all been there. When, how, or where have you experienced ‘facing the stigma of family estrangement’? Please share in the comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Great advice! I really like the Wooden quote about character.
Thank you Naomi. That quote does make one think a bit, doesn’t it?
I know this position well. Really, I’m tired of people continually telling me to “get over it”…….”they are your family, you should talk it out”……”you should do what you can to love them instead of avoid them.” You are correct Elda, all these comments come from their reality. I just acknowledge their concerns so as not to be rude. What I’d like to say to them is that they should live with my family….they’d probably change their thoughts. But I don’t. I just smile and do my own thing.
Exactly Kelli! Everyone is doing the best that they can from ‘their own reality’.
It’s important to bring attention to how we are really feeling and recognize the pain in order to release the emotions connected to it. Because we know, we can not control another person’s actions, only how we react to it.
Thank you for your comment Kelli.
You offer good guidance about this Elda. I believe that when each one of us follows our heart and truly allows everyone else to follow theirs without pretending to know what’s best, without judgment we’ll be in such a better place collectively.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Coffee, Singing Feathers & Sparkling Rock Flowers
Thank you Deborah. Following our own heart and living without judgment for others or even towards ourself, is key.
Another great post Elda! I agree with what you said about feeling our emotions/feelings. They are not good or bad, they just are. What I try to do is to notice the uncomfortable ones and let them float away. Family estrangement is a tough topic to talk about. Kudos to you for the important work you are doing in the world Elda.
Nancy Jambor recently posted…The Gift of a Personal Retreat
Thank you for your comment Nancy. That is such a nice visual, to ‘let the uncomfortable feelings float away’. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve never thought about this side of family estrangement, but I’d imagine the pain of being estranged from your family is enough without having to deal with shame and pressure from others. It’s great work that you’re doing helping people let it flow.
Tat recently posted…My best advice to the new mama I was 8 years ago
Awareness and acknowledging family estrangement is the first step. Many people don’t realize that BOTH parties involved in family estrangement are dealing with their own pain issues. It’s so important to address these.
Thank you for your comment Tatiana.
It’s a relevant piece for me, as I have two siblings with whom I do not communicate, either by my wish or theirs. I’m lucky that I have no one offering magic-bullet solutions, and my mother does not take sides, but supports us all. I don’t know if it’s harder to be the offended party or the offending one, but for me the latter sits more uneasily with me.
Thank you for sharing your story Tricia.
Having personal experience from being both the estranged and the estranger, I would have to say that neither one is easier, they both have pain involved in regards to what happened. It’s just that it is different.
In reality pain is pain, so they both hurt until we are able to work through the steps of emotional freedom.
I appreciate your comment Tricia.
Such an important topic you bring to light here. The hardest thing for me used to be the stigma these choices carry. People can be very curious and very judgmental and that was very difficult to deal with initially. These tips are great. Thank you.
Michele Bergh recently posted…My Lunch Break
Thank you for your comment Michele.
Many people seem to be unaware of the inner pain both parties have to deal with when it comes to estrangement. I think it’s important that there is compassion demonstrated to anyone who is in a situation of estrangement.
This is great. I’m not estranged, but there’s definite family issues. Really appreciate the blog.
Mary recently posted…Our Morning Rituals
Thank you so much for visiting Mary. The ideas from the various blog posts can actually be used in any relationship issues since that is how it all begins, how we relate to others. I hope you can find some of them useful.
I appreciate your commenting Mary.
Just want to let you know that I left you a reply today to your comment (question) that you made on June 1 on jessicaleighbrogan.com
Her blog post was titled “8 reasons you should share your art, when you’re not an artist.”
I don’t know if she’ll delete my reply to you or not, but I’m thinking she may not seeing as she still hasn’t responded to your question. I’m only writing you to let you know that I left you a response there.
Excellent! Thanks for such a thoughtful response Rosie.
You’re welcome, I’m so happy to know she didn’t delete my comment so you could read it.
All the best to you!