Maybe you find yourself in a situation where you were once Best Friends and NOW, you are ‘strangers with memories’. Broken friendships – to be, or not to be.
Why would you get back in touch with an estranged friend?
As it is with families who separate for various reasons, the same holds true for friendships. Only you and the other person involved can make the decision to reconcile yet there are many ideas to consider.
It may be extremely hurtful to lose this friendship because you may feel that you had stronger bonds with a certain friend than you have had with some family members. Many secrets shared and support given.
With friends, there are no obligatory feelings of making things work. With friends, every part of the relationship is a choice and it feels good to know you each have chosen each other.
3 Points to consider:
1 – Emotional Connection
How did you feel each time you meet up with this person or speak with them on the phone? Be honest with yourself. What can you do to change that feeling? That’s what matters.
As time goes by, lifestyles change. You may not have the same things in common that you once did. And that’s okay. You both can respectfully allow another person to grow into being true to who they are. That would be called unconditional love.
Remember, we cannot control other people’s actions. We can only control how we react to them.
If we are at a disagreement with a certain lifestyle that may not be safe for them, we can offer support and encouragement yet we cannot control them to make them change. NO matter how much we love them and may think we know what is best, it’s not our choice.
“A broken friendship can be a comma or a full stop. You choose.”
-Unknown
2 – Take Responsibility
What if it’s not a lifestyle change that is hurting them? What if our friendship just seems to be drifting away or we don’t think they understand us? Hurtful words may have been exchanged.
We can learn from listening to what they have to say, REALLY listening. A relationship works two ways. Take responsibility for playing a part in what happened even if we don’t think we did anything wrong. Just by being present in the relationship, we did play a part. It doesn’t happen alone.
The KEY is to make an effort to look at it from their perspective. Maybe our intent was not the way it comes across. We can find out how they are feeling. Demonstrating that we care about what they are feeling can make the biggest difference in the world. It doesn’t make one person wrong and the other person right. It just shows we care.
3 – Next Steps
When dealing with wanted change, there are always ‘next steps’ to pursue. Find out together, what those next steps can be. Be sure to include gratitude in there.
Last week, a reader left this comment on my blog that touched my heart deeply:
“A couple years ago, my husband and I decided to keep a nightly gratitude journal for 45 days to celebrate our 45 years of marriage. To our surprise, just a couple sentences by each of us every night opened up new insights and a deeper sense of appreciation for each other! And the best part??? We are still doing it and are committed to it ‘forever’! In my life, consciously choosing to feel grateful multiplies what I’m grateful for and it is the foundation for all my joy!”
Remembering the good qualities of our beloved friend and sharing some words of gratitude to them personally would change the energy of the relationship.
What we focus on grows. Let’s focus on their great qualities and see where that leads us. The more attention we give the good they bring in our lives, the more good will come into our eyes. Try it. I dare you!
Are you ready to make a broken friendship a comma instead of a stop? Which of these tips might you use to show them you care? Please share in the comments below.
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I do think it best to do all I can in healing the relationship. Being open to hearing what I did to hurt someone, admitting any missteps, basically sharing the vulnerability of working through differences. And sometimes its just not enough. I’m dealing with a friend who just wanted out (with a period) and in doing all I could, I realized that it was probably for the best. From someone who did Al-Anon on the co-dependent side, I can tell you that knowing when its over is also an important learning device. I did tell her I’d be willing to talk if she ever felt different, but truth is, she wanted me to be someone I was not and that no longer serves me. I sadly, let it go. And although its been painful, I think its a good thing.
kimberly recently posted…Day 55 – Winter Garden
Everything you wrote is right on point, Kimberly. As long as we are doing everything we can to be open and vulnerable and heal the relationship. It is a two way street so they need to be open to it also.
So sorry to hear about your friend wanting out. I do completely understand the various emotions that are connected with that. Something similar happened to me several years ago. She had been my very best friend for several decades. She sent me a letter ending our friendship.
Sometimes, we have to let things play out and sometimes…. the other person has a realization that this is not really what they want.
As for my friend, a year and a half later she called me and wanted to be friend’s again. What changed her mind? She lost her brother suddenly to cancer. She then realized how much I meant to her and that life was too short to push someone away.
I have learned a lot from that experience though to apply not only to her but to my other friends. I now am more conscious of what the other person’s needs are and I treasure their viewpoint of our friendship so much more than I had in the past. We all have a different perspective of what our friendship is like.
Thanks so much for your comment, Kimberly! Sending you much love and healing thoughts for your situation.
What an awesome post, Elda! As with all your posts, it is so inspiring and thought provoking! It is a beautiful reminder that every one of our relationships would benefit if we would just learn to see them through the eyes of love, not judgement.
Thank you for recognizing that Joyce! ALL of our relationships are important for our whole being. It doesn’t matter if the person is blood related, there can be a lot of emotions surrounding estrangement from a very close friend. Thanks for your comment, Joyce.
You’ve left me with encouraging words Elda. I thank you greatly.
kimberly recently posted…Day 55 – Winter Garden
(((Kimberly)))
Definitely, what we focus on grows. What a powerful suggestion, Elda…actually, I think it was a “challenge?” I was raised in a family where estrangement wasn’t an option. Perhaps when we get accustomed to estrangement being acceptable through our family of origin it becomes acceptable in our adult lives as well? Wonderful post – thank you!
Michelle recently posted…Fresh Start
Actually, estrangement affects many people from different cultures, income levels, ages, etc. It’s just that most people do not talk about this because of the emotions that are connected to it.
One of my goals is to see the ‘stigma’ of estrangement in any form (family or friends) be removed. Most people worry that others will think that something is wrong with them to have someone shut them out so they don’t bring it up to avoid judgment. It is much more prevalent than some people realize. A lot of people feel alone and that no one will understand.
Love is the highest vibration there is. We need more of that for everyone!
Thanks so much for your comment Michelle.
I try my best to look after my friends. Every now and then friends drift away. I see that as a normal part of life. True friends turn up again when the time is right. Sometimes we need to let go for a while in order to learn before we connect again.
Kama recently posted…What would you do if you had the courage to do it?
WELCOME Back Kama!! I have missed you so much! Thanks for your comment.
Such a great article! Difficult to read those pointers for me since I had a broken friendship a while ago and it was was hard to go through, but surely much healthier for me.
Anna recently posted…A quick guide to Phuket
Sorry to hear about your broken friendship experience Anna. Thank you for sharing your story. Good to hear you are feeling better now.
Thank you Elda for your article! So right on and helpful.
I appreciate you sharing all of your insights!~
Thank you for the visit, Connie!
I’ve lost many friends over the years, as I’m sure many people have. Some of the friendships just drifted apart, with good but drifty feelings all around, but the ones that hurt the most were the ones that ended in conflict.
One of my most painful friendship breakups occurred fifteen years ago, when she wrote me (I kid you not) a Dear John (Jane?) letter, severing our friendship. And she moved. And changed her phone number. And her workplace. All at the same time. (Again: I’m really not kidding.) So I had no way to find her and work things out. It hurt like a knife wound.
Fast forward to a few years ago. I finally screwed up the courage to contact her on Facebook and open myself up to her again. It was hard to be so vulnerable, but it felt so messy and unfinished. We reconnected and exchanged messages, and I asked what had happened. It turned out that the nasty letter was not written by her, but by her abusive and controlling husband. It had been typed, and was unsigned. They’ve long been divorced now.
I don’t know why I didn’t suspect this at the beginning, but I didn’t. Instead I just felt deeply hurt and abandoned, with no recourse. In sharing this story, I’m reminded of how important it is to understand the underlying motives behind the dramatic friendship breakups. They may be different than you think.
Of course, there are other times when we just have to let it all go, but the opportunities for reconciliation and forgiveness are priceless.
Harmony Harrison recently posted…Sneaky Kitty Dusts for Prints (it’s getting messy ’round here)
Oh Harmony….THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing your story. Congratulations on allowing yourself to be vulnerable and reach out to her without knowing where it would lead you.
Opportunities like this are ‘priceless’ just as you mentioned.
Hugs to you….
These are really wonderful suggestions of how to look at the situation. I’ve had a few relationships end where I didn’t really understand why. I don’t believe people are always meant to stay in our lives forever but it still hurts to lose a loved one. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Michele Bergh recently posted…Our Many Masks
I agree with you. Thanks for your comment, Michele. Some people come to our life for just a moment and still change our lives for the better and yet they move on. It reminds me of a saying I read many years ago….
“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”
I enjoyed reading your take on this Elda, as well as the thoughtful comments. I think friendships require our ongoing love and attention, but also an awareness that they don’t always last, which means a willingness to allow them to be released with gentle gratitude and blessings. I think one of the things lots of people don’t consider is that honesty about showing up as you truly are is essential in all relationships. We often try to bend ourselves into pretzel shapes to impress or “win” new friends, and yet that’s not actually who we are. And throughout every relationship we each evolve and grow, often at different rates. Keeping clear communication about who we are helps everyone stay current and better able to judge what is in resonance and what’s not.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Looking Inward
Such an important points there, Deborah! “….showing up as you truly are is essential in all relationships.”
Yes, we do evolve and grow at different rates and we don’t want to make ourselves into a pretzel – great visual here…thanks, I am going to remember that one!
Honest communication is vital for ANY relationship.
Thank you so much for eloquently stating such important points here!
This article has given me a lot of food for thought. Sometimes you drift apart timewise, because of lifestyles, but the connection is still there. Then it’s worth putting the effort in to keep the relationship alive (and I admit I haven’t been doing it enough). Other times you feel like strangers and no amount of effort is going to change it.
There’s one friendship in particular that I have a lot of regrets around and unfortunately it’s out of my hands. I think I have done everything in my power to repair it. I’ve also tried to let it go, but it’s still on my mind.
Tat recently posted…Keep your creative ideas alive: tips for overcoming self-doubt
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Tatiana. Every situation is different so there is not one specific way to deal with it. Sometimes, it really is time to let go and during those times we want to be kind to ourself.
Personally, I try to focus on how that relationship is making me feel and if there is something I can change. As I make comment of frequently, ” we can not control what others do or say, only how we react to them.” So looking at it from their perspective can be eye opening in how we react to their actions.