“I am FINE!” How many times have we heard that or maybe have said it to others thinking to ourselves: When are the questions going to stop? Where does it all start? Must it continue?
Recently, there has been a lot of attention given to David Bowie’s ex-wife due to her being estranged from her son for over 28 years.
Obviously I don’t know her personally, so I have no idea whether or not she truly is fine or just trying to get others to stop asking her about this situation. However I can share with you my personal experience with this.
Other people’s curiosity
For some reason, other people tend to want to know ‘why’ and ‘when’ or ‘how long’ and many more questions surface. Maybe it’s curiosity or maybe it’s because they think they have some advice they can share once they know all the nitty-gritty details.
I had always been such a private person so I didn’t share those details with anyone. I despise being involved with rumors whether it is about someone else or about me so I would do everything in my power to avoid fueling the fire by saying, “I am FINE!” even though I may have been the furthest place possible from fine. It was my way of STOPPING the conversation.
NOW…I really AM fine!
Thankfully, I have done a lot of healing because of the various issues of estrangement in my life. I am so grateful for the different types of healing methods I use because as I always state in these blog posts, “I can not change how other people act, I can only change my reaction to it all.”
Even though I may be feeling sincerely okay with things the way they are, I find that it is still a difficult pill for others to swallow. Some of my friends still want to give me advice on ‘do this’ or ‘do that’.
‘Aha’ moment
One ‘aha’ moment I had this weekend was about Changing My Story. I was reading a book (yes, I talk a lot about books that I have read on my blog posts because I consider myself a life-long learner. I LOVE to read and learn) called “You Are Worth It” by Louise Griffith who I had the honor of hearing speak live. She is amazing!
Upon first reading chapter 3, I thought to myself, “But… I have changed my story!” It wasn’t until I did the writing exercises that I had the realization that the way I shared my story was bringing me sympathy and I was being treated like a victim. This is not what I want or even how I feel.
“If your story isn’t making you feel worth it, choose a new one.”
-Louise Griffith
Stop/Start/Continue
Louise has an interesting exercise at the end of each chapter that has already brought me HUGE changes in my personal and business life in the past two weeks (each chapter is focused on for one week).
This week (week 3) I chose to focus my exercises around my estrangement.
I CHOOSE to:
STOP – sharing my story with friends or others where it may put me in the light of ‘victim’.
START – rephrasing my story with different words that has me demonstrating PURE LOVE toward this situation I am in.
CONTINUE – to be aware of the words I use because I have experienced that my words create my reality.
There. I have put this out there publicly as I believe owning it in this manner will help me stay true to this commitment. That is my desire.
How can you change your story? In what ways can you Stop/Start/Continue? I am interested. Please share in the comments below.
It would be a pleasure to share a Skype visit with you to discuss any questions you might have.
Great read, Elda! I never thought about ‘the way’ I tell my story. It has changed over the years….. time and distance helped..I’m not so emotional now and I think I communicate acceptance and that I have moved on.
Our stories definitely transform over time as we do also. It’s interesting that I ‘thought’ I was communicating acceptance until I realized how other people were responding. Life is definitely a work in progress. Thanks so much for your comment, Debbie.
Sounds like an excellent helpful book Elda, but I especially appreciate how you’ve put what you learned into practice. This is really big! Understanding the power of our words and the stories we tell is hugely important, and can be such a help in being seen in the truth of who we really are. Yay you!
Thanks Deborah! Doing the exercises are KEY. Each chapter is only about 2 pages so it’s easy to fit into a busy schedule. I leave the book open to the STOP/START/CONTINUE page right by where I brush my teeth so I re-read that each morning and night. Each week has been wonderful watching the awareness bring change.
Thanks for your post Elda and thanks for recommending Louise’s book. Sounds like a good one. I have been changing my story over the years and I am the only one who can change it because it’s my story. I chose to quit seeing myself as a victim years ago and it has served me well. Are you familiar with Brene Brown? Her new book, Rising Strong, is about the stories we tell ourselves. I rarely buy books since I am a library user and I bought this one:)
Nancy Jambor recently posted…The Sound of Silence
You’re right on when you say ‘we are the only ones who can change our story.’ So happy to see that you have been able to change your story. As time goes on, we evolve so it’s important that our story evolve with us.
Thank You, Elda! for both your wise reminders and that video…Awesome!
Mary Welch recently posted…Centering in Busy Times
Thank you, Mary. I do my best to give my newsletter subscribers something special to look forward to. SO happy to hear you enjoy them each time!
Great words to ponder, Elda. That stop/start/continue mantra not only applies to how we tell our story to others, but the conversations we have with ourselves. I’ve been keenly aware lately of how often my mind engages in dialog I didn’t think I invited. Perhaps more important than the stories we tell others are the mind-talks we have with ourselves. Seems to me, that’s where it starts and what really matters in the end.
Nanette Levin recently posted…Forget about features and benefits – offer small business selling solutions
GREAT point Nanette! Everything does start with the story we tell ourselves. Thanks for sharing your experience of how your mind was in a dialog you didn’t think you invited. As you mentioned, the first step is awareness.
Ahhhh…those stories! I’m currently relearning my story. Always evolving, always growing. This book sounds quite helpful and I will be adding it to my list of books to read. I also did recently order Brene’s book that Nancy talked about.
So happy to hear that you are adding this book to your list as I do find it quite helpful. Thanks for the visit, Michelle!